2009-08-16 [kimberly ida.]: To be honest, that is inspiring. Since I was tweleve years old I've been getting told that I was fat and ugly on a day-to-day basis. And well, I get told I'm not either of them by plenty of people every single day. I stick up for people that get called all these names because it's wrong. I know how they feel. I think it's just cruel and it always comes to my mind why I ever was judgemental when I was eleven. At school I'm not welcomed because I'm different. I'm not a size zero like all the rest of them. I don't "own up" to the standards to be "one of them." I love being different. It just shows that there are people that are all different sized. It's the beauty of life.

2009-08-16 [KillChasityDead]: Thank you very much. And, are you kidding me, Kimberly!?! I think you're gorgeous. I think a lot of times girls get jealous of other girls because they're curvy. So instead, the girls who have no curves strive to be really skinny, so they'll have something to feel good about and make fun of others for. I'm sorry you've had to deal with people being rude to you. I will never understand why people feel the need to be rude and judge others who aren't like them. And it's not a bad thing that you aren't one of them. Who would want to be that kind of person anyways? They're so insecure about themselves that they go around picking on others to make their self-esteem higher. I don't know about you, but that's the last "type" of person I'd want to become. <3

2009-08-16 [kimberly ida.]: You are very welcome. I'm glad that you can show people that rude and cruel people aren't what everyone is. I try to show people that I care that they're getting hurt, but, show them that I'm hurting just as bad and am there to give them a helping hand. Thanks Chasity, I think you're quite gorgeous yourself. I've actually had one of the girls in my grade, that is not big breasted, tell me that they want big boobs because guys like them.. and was staring directly at my chest.. I think that's quite dumb, if I must say. Just because some guys like big boobs, doesn't mean every single guy does. I think they judge others like them because deep down, they wish they were like that person. I mean, if you're skinny and you're just trying to get popular by making fun of girls, or guys for that matter, about their weight. I try to give everyone a chance.. I mean, I have the most amazing bigger sized best friends. You don't even notice their weight, and I don't even notice their size, the fact that they're there for me is what I care about. Back in '07 being called all these rude and cruel names made me almost kill myself. I just got fed up with how mean people can be at school.. let alone my own home... my own parents and siblings. It was ridiculous.. and still, 'till this day.. they make me wanna kill myself.. but, I can't bring myself to that, because all the people I have in my life. They make me become the person that I am.. the person that helps everyone that needs help.

2009-08-16 [KillChasityDead]: Thanks again, Kimberly. You're a very sweet, kind person. And typically that's the case. People do make fun of other people because they're jealous of them in one way or another. Lucky I went to a smaller school where the majority of people were laid back. Of course there were a few kids, typically the ones in younger grades who would make fun of me because of my looks and what not. But I mean, I didn't really let it get to me. Everyone in my grade knew me. I tried to be friends with everyone. I had lots of friends who were older and younger as well. Actually, earlier this year, one of my younger friends got made fun of for hanging out with me. Just because of the way I look. If people wouldn't judge me on my appearance or the way I dress, then they'd know I'm a very funny, laid back person. I'm able to laugh at myself for some things, sure. I think everyone should be able to do that. But as far as being rude to me and not giving me a chance because of my weight, that's just ridiculous. I feel so bad for everyone else who has to go through that. I know, a bunch of people have had it a lot harder than I have.

But,really. Don't let those people get to you. I recently had a friend commit suicide, back in March. And I've always heard people talk about how selfish committing suicide is, but I never really understood how that's selfish. Now I do. Because it hurts everyone around you. My friend Zeke had so many friends, it was unreal. And no one really knows why he did what he did. He was a very funny and loving person. It's very upsetting. I just hate that some kids even consider doing something like that because of the way they're treated by others.
It really breaks my heart. =/

And I know what it's like to have to deal with your own family when it comes to your appearance. My little sister tells me I'm ugly all of the time because I'm not tan like she is and what not.
But, you know, it's better to be who you are than be loved for what you're not. Your true friends are the ones who are going to stick by you no matter what anyone else says about you. You should surround yourself with people like that. Because they make your life worth living. <3

2009-08-16 [kimberly ida.]: It's my pleasure. Thanks, that's sweet of you. I truly think that more people like you and me should be in this world, caring for others when they need it. I go to a school that is more on the small side, in my grade we have thirty-four kids.. and every single on of them think they know my life... and that's what makes me want to snap..They think that because I sit there and yell at them everytime they say something rude to me.. that I can't take a joke.. that's not a damn joke when you're making fun of someone else's weight. Yeah, I may not weigh fourty pounds, but, my personality owns up to it. Non of the kids at school know me.. because they don't give me the time of day to even say something nice to me. They just turn their head.. somedays I get a hey.. or how are you? My dad makes the principle watch my every move because I come home and say that I've had a horrid day.. I have to fake a smile.. because I don't want the principle to pull me away and ask me what's wrong.. I just don't feel that it's neccesary. Yeah, somedays I can be selfish and try to get the school's attention of how wrongly my grade treats me.. I've made the school call a meeting for my class.. and sure-shit.. everyone looked directly at me. I don't hang out with kids that are my age because they think it's cool to lie to someone's face.. and smoke weed and drink all the time.. I mean, yeah, I used to get drunk all the time, but, since I've gotten diagnosed with epilepsy, I don't want to risk myself of harming myself even worse. See, I don't see how that person would get made fun of for hanging out with you, I see nothing wrong with your appearance. I'm able to laugh at pretty much everything that comes out of my mouth because most the time I don't think about what I say.. and it comes out kinda funny.. Noone gives me some slack at my school.. they think because they've "known" me since kindergarten they "know" everything there is to know about me. I try not to come out with my problems because I've had them since I was born.. and then people come to me with their problems... it just puts a lot of stress into me and slowly brings me down. I will always wonder why people make fun of the people that are the good ones.. and be friends with the ones that are cruel.. that's what I call, a fucked up situation.

I try not to let them get to me.. but, every single day I get called worthless and lazy and fat and all these rude names.. I can't not listen because they're my brothers and my father and my mother. It wouldn't hurt as much if they didn't tell me that I wasn't wanted in my own house.. and tell my best friend's mother right in front of my face that she can adopt me.. I mean.. it just kills me that my parents don't want me.. but won't let me go. I'm the type of person that thinks about other's feelings before her own.. and that's what makes me break down.. and become so angry and cry. People tell me that I'm idiotic for wanting to commit suicide.. but, if they lived my life.. just one day.. they'd understand that I have stuff that is compacted in my hugly large heart.. from years on end. I would never bring myself to actually do it. Too many people in this world care a whole lot about me.. and I don't want to break their heart because of something I have done.

You know, being pale is sexier than being tan. Being pale just proves that you don't have dead skin all over your body. You're natural, not dead. I'm the same way.. my whole family is tan.. I'm like a ghost to them. My best friends aren't the best.. they stab me in the back more than they should.. but, they're my best friends.. they'll be there 'till the end. The road can only get bumpier before it gets smooth. You are truly an amazing person, Chasity. I'm glad there is at least one other person out there that cares about people getting picked on.

2009-08-16 [KillChasityDead]: :) The great thing is, there are plenty of people all over the world that are just like you and I. They may not come from the same places as we do, or live in the same towns as us, but they're out there. And they're making a difference in someones lives right now. And, I'm sure that makes things really difficult. At my school there were a little over 100 students in my grade. I mean, we all knew each other, but we didn't just assume that we knew every single thing about everyone. And coming from a small grade like yours, it must be hard to deal with because I know how fast rumors travel around the school. And a lot of people now-a-days believe everything they hear and make their assumptions about you from that as well. And, in my town a lot of kids like to party too. I used to drink a bit. But I've never been drunk. It was more of a social thing. I've never really been one to party though. I never got invited to parties or anything for that reason. I was lucky enough to have a few friends though, like [d o n e] and a few others who were like me though. None of us really "party". I mean, we would all get together and hang out and have sleep overs and what not. But smoking and getting drunk was never our thing. And I'm sorry about your diagnosis. =/ I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you at times. But, I just want you to know that if you ever need anything, feel free to talk to me. I'm always around to listen. And I like to try to help people with their problems, as well as give them a different perspective on things.
And I think people who make fun of good people flock into groups like that because it makes them feel secure. Like, as long as they're friends with each other, they don't have to deal with the drama they cause other people. It's like they can talk the talk but when it comes down to it, if it were them, they'd break down just like they're trying to make everyone else who is different from them do.

I do know what your home life is like too. I have a step dad whom I've never been able to get along with. He used to get up in my face and scream at me all the time when I was younger. And when my mom would go to leave somewhere he'd take the phone chord with him so I couldn't get online or make any calls to someone. I was maybe 13 years old back then, too. And when I told my mom about it, she flipped out because I didn't have a cell phone at that time and if something would have happened to me, there would have been no way for me to get a hold of someone for help. And, it's like as soon as my mom would leave the house he'd become a totally different person. He used to blame me for everything. I remember one time, I wanted to take a nap and he wouldn't let me. But, I tried to anyway and he ended up taking away my pillows and blankets and my mattress off of my bed. I've also had an instance where he has grabbed me by my wrist so hard that it's left bruises. But you know, you just got to think of it this way: What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger and better person. And, you only have to deal with that nonsense for a few more years until you move out. That's what used to keep me going from day to day. I mean, I love my mom and my sisters, even though my sisters can be really stuck up and rude. But my step dad and I just aren't happening. Never have, and I'm not sure if we ever will.

I don't mind being pale at all. My sister seems to be the only one who has a problem with it. They're part Indian because of my step dad. So it's not hard at all for them to tan. And, I really don't have many girl friends for that reason. Ali is an exception though, along with 1 or 2 others. But time and time again I've had a "best friend" steal a guy away that I've liked just because I told her that I liked him.
People like that don't deserve to be friends with someone like you. You're too good for them.

And I'm glad you'd never go through with something like that. I'm going to tell you what I told my friend Michael. You guys are just like my friend Zeke was. You're an amazing person and you have way too much to offer this world, to let people like that bring you down. You're here for a reason. So make a difference. :)

2009-08-16 [kimberly ida.]: I just get so iritated sometimes because everyone comes to me for advice.. about ten at a time.. and I can't help them all at once.. I end up doing it anyway, but, still.. I'm just one person. I love helping.. but, most don't listen to me.. and I end up being right in the end.(: The kids at my school assume that I'm lesbian because they don't ever hear of me having a boyfriend.. and when they figure out that I do.. they're like... no way. If I hear a rumor.. I go straight to the person it's about and ask them.. and if it's about me.. I go to the person that started it and put my two sense into what they had to say.. I got drunk for the fist time when I was eleven. I never get invited because I'm not "cool" enough. I'm okay with the diagnosis, but I don't want to be treated any different at school.. because when I have a seizure.. I forget what I had learned the day before.. and I get yelled at for not getting my assignment done. Well, thank you, that means quite a bit to me. And, if you ever need anyone for anything, feel free to talk to me, I'll try the best I can to help out. I may be fifteen, but I sure can help out a lot.(:
People like that do. And if you're not stick thin like them.. you're considered fat. The sad thing is, I used to be really good friends with the kids in my grade that sit there and make fun of me all the time. My friend Bo has all this happening to him.. where all the girls and guys call him fat and all this, I'm there for him.. to tell him that he's not.. because he's not.

Awe, I'm sorry. Me personally, I think that's ridiculous. I don't see how a parent could treat a child like that, even if they weren't your real parent. You're a human being and deserve respect. I do look at it that way, but when I get deathly ill, my mom tells me it's a long ways from my heart, I'll be okay. I'm just glad that when I move out.. I won't have to be anywhere near here.. and when I have children.. she'll never see them becasue of how she's never been there for me. I can't love someone that doesn't care for me.. for instance, my mom, my dad, my brothers, and my sister.. If they don't have the decensy to even care that I'm in this world, then I'm not going to give them the decensy to even care that they're here.. I know, what a bitchy thing to do, but really, I'm only doing myself a favor.. by moving on.. not caring that they don't care.. I hope that you and your step dad can put aside your differences and get along.

See, for me.. I was in the tanning bed for a month.. never even got a little color.. I was the same color as I was when I went in. I'm so fair skinned.. that I can't tan.. I was outside for nine hours.. before I even got a sunburn. All of my friends are pale, I love it.. it doesn't make me feel.. awkward. I just had that situation happen to me.. my best friend told me that I should break up with my ex.. and well, I did.. two days later she's having sex with him. And, I'm still friends with her.. because I was strong enough to forgive her.. but, if she were to do it again.. I'm done.. She's been my best friend since I was two years old.. 

See, if I were, there would be a lot of people out there that would follow me.. because most people only have me.. to tell them they're worth everything in this world, I don't want that to happen, I would feel responsable. I know I'm here for a reason, I yet have to figure out what it is. You're truly an amazing person, I'm glad I could talk to you.

2009-08-17 [KillChasityDead]: That would frustrate me. Why even bother if they're not going to take the advice you give them? If someone were to do that to me, I'd be like "Hey look..I already told you before what I thought and you didn't take my advice. So why should I even bother telling you what I think about something else? It's just a waste of time." That's what I'd say.

And yeah. I know what it's like to have people talk shit about you. I've confronted a few to their face. :) Needless to say, it all stopped after that. I don't like being the mean girl, but I can get ugly when needed. Lol. I told one girl that if I had 1 more person come up to me and tell me she said something about me, that I would march down that hall and find her. And when I do I would beat the fuck out of her. And after that she just shut her mouth. I haven't had a problem outta her since. :)

And I know what you mean. It could be worse. And I'm glad you're not one of those people who "milk it", so to speak when they have a problem, and try to get away with everything. That drives me crazy. And just for the record I think you've very intelligent for a 15 year old. You're a hell of a lot more intelligent than I was at that age. I was so oblivious to everything.

And thank you very much. If I ever need to talk, I wont hesitate to come to you. :)

And I mean, it's not a big deal that he treats me that way. It used to be when I was younger. But now I'm not afraid to get right back in his face with the stupid things he says. And I'm not afraid to cuss him out anymore because he knows now that if he were to lay a finger on me that I'd call my cousin to come kick his ass. My cousin already told me that if I ever had any more problems with my step dad to let him know, because he's a police officer. So, I mean it still is bad sometimes, but not as bad as it could be. I'm content with it.

And I'm sure when you're older things with your parents will get better. I'm lucky enough to have a mom that's always there for me. My mom and I are pretty much just alike. We are both very caring, and warm hearted, but super sarcastic and can be a total smartass just to be funny. Lol.

And, I remember when I was younger I had gone to the pool, and I was out in the sun for 2 hours without sunblock and ended up getting these huge blisters on my shoulders, because I got burnt so bad. I never get tans. Just freckles and burns.

And plenty of times I've been in a situation kind of similar to that. At least 4 different times I had made the mistake of telling a best friend that I liked a guy, and before I knew it they were together.

And, I don't agree with people having sex at that age. All of my girl friends either have had a kid already, or are pregnant. It's ridiculous. I'm proud to say that I'm a virgin. Sure, I've made some mistakes in the past and done some things that I regret. But I don't think I'm going to go all the way until I'm married or at least in a really stable relationship with someone. And by stable I mean together for at least 2 or 3 years.

And I'm glad you realize that. You're one of the few lucky people that are smart enough to do so. Whatever you do, don't give up no matter how bad the situation is. Whenever I'm in a crappy situation I think about how many other people there are in the world at that exact moment in time who have it 10 X's worse than I do. So, it helps to think on the bright side because no matter what, things could always be worse.

And I'm glad we got to talk to each other about everything. <3

2009-08-18 [kimberly ida.]: Well, it does frustrate me... but it's the fact that I care enough to actually help them out. Eh, If they don't take my advice the first time... I don't really help them out anymore. But, if they really need it, I'll be kind enough to lend a hand.(:

People don't take it as a threat when I get up all in their business and tell them what's what. They just laugh at me... or make me look like an ass. I just sit back at let them do their thing... but if it gets too out of hand, I put my two sense in it. Most of everyone knows that I'm not a wimp... but also know that I wouldn't hurt him or her unless it was necessary to do so. In which, this year just may be the year to unleash the dark side. xD

I can be like that sometimes, just try and get away with what I had done... because it's ridiculous of what I get in trouble for. Most of the time I don't even do what I got in trouble for. Well, thank you. I'm glad at least someone sees that I am intelligent. I mean; I've raised myself since I was about ten. Yeah, sure my mom was living with me, doesn't mean she was there for me. It just makes me mad that I had to be the one that mad sure I was growing up right; I had to discipline myself. I may not be smart in school, but take me out of school and I'm a pretty smart person. I think you're quite intelligent yourself.

Well, I'm glad. I'm glad that someone can talk to me about anything.

Yeah: you're used to it, but you shouldn't be treated like that. Well, at least you have someone right there if you need anything. See, with my dad... he's got some anger issues... and just the littlest thing said, he blows up... and I don't want the ht to come after me... I'd rather it go to the wall or something... but he would get me taken away... and well, I would be leaving my friends behind if I were to have to move.

I don't think I can ever forgive my parents for how they've been and have treated me. I don't want my children to ever have to go threw that. It's ridiculous of how they don't care if their child is sick or that I need pills or the fact that I can't drink pop... they don't ever buy things for me to drink... Yeah: water is free, but they get flavored things... why can't they think of me? Selfish on my part, I know, but like, I want to know that the see me... And well, my mom calls me fat and all this... I don't want anything to do with her... and every time I tell her something... she goes and blabs it to someone else.

I know, when I was picking up rock in the fields for corn, I was out for nine hours and all I got from it was a tan line on my shoulders... that looks hideous.

I'm proud to say that I am also, a virgin. But also not proud to say that I was almost raped when I was fourteen. Well, not a lot of my friends have kids, but my friend Trisha is nineteen and is on her second child; she's almost ready to have him. My best friend Carissa killed her child as well as my sister. My sister would have a six year old by now. She was sixteen when she had gotten pregnant the first time, she's twenty-one now. I mean; I would have to be in love with the guy that I let have my virginity. Other than that, they can take a hike if that's all they want. I respect myself, they can respect me decisions.

And I promise you that I will never give up. I'ma stay strong and hold my head up high, because there are people out there that will keep me going because they care deeply about me and want me to succeed at what I want to achieve. Whether it is a drug dealer or a lawyer, they'll always be there. I don't want to think there are people that have it worse than me, because that just makes me feel more worse knowing that I can't do anything to stop it.

I'm glad that we got to talk about everything also, it's great to have someone to talk to about how things are.(: <3